Amie Stuart ~ On the Back Porch

deer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words…Jim Beam.
Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Yes, and I know exactly how much you masturbate.  I’m skipping your house.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

Swiped from Larissa….

Are you full of holiday spirit?
Substantial Holiday Understanding You’re a bit of a Holiday Martyr, you enjoy the season mostly because of other people’s happiness and involvement in it. You’re usually willing to forego your own needs in favor of creating good memories for other poeple, and see the holiday season as a time brimming with oppurtunities to do good for others. While you don’t have alot of cheer, you certainly have a great way of looking at the holidays.
Take The Quiz Now!	Quizzes by myYearbook.com

This has been a really good year, I’m blessed and I really wanted to give the kids an extra special Christmas (unlike them I remember the Christmas we got a tree out of the dumpster and the Christmases I had no money for presents). So much so I went out and even ebayed my way into a Nintendo Wii. It’s all #1 son asked for. He said if he got that he didn’t want anything else.

On Saturday he asked me if he could do something to earn money for Christmas presents. I told him to rake the front yard and bag the leaves. Five minutes later he comes inside complaining that it was too hard. Granted the grass under the leaves needs to be cut but….Then, on Sunday I was doing the laundry and guess what I found in the dryer? The iPod I got #1 for his birthday. Washed, dried and fried His birthday was in October which means it’s not even 3 months old yet.

Irate wouldn’t even cover how angry and upset I am. I’m so tempted to sell that Wii :(

And guess who’s in grounded and in charge of yard work for the next….well until I feel like he’s worked off his iPod.

My opinionated ass is over at SFC today. And I’m giving away goodies over at the LSB Authors blog.