Amie Stuart ~ On the Back Porch

That’s Mad Mommy Dearest….I swear before all I hold dear that the following is true.

Yesterday I get a text message from Elvis in the middle of the day:
We just had a food fight

Laughing, I show my co-worker–bad mommy. I’m getting ready to text him back when I get another that says:
I didn’t get in trouble

He knows me MUCH too well.

After work I hit the grocery store. I have to buy extra food because tomorrow is the last day of school and my little Hoovers will be at home full time playing XBox and eating anything they can get their hands on. I won’t tell you how much I spent but I could fund a small country with my food bill (or buy myself an Audi). Anyway…

I get home and we’re unloading and cleaning out the fridge and Elvis says, “What about this Twix. Can I throw this out?” all while giving me a smirky look.

Moi, “No. It’s mine.”

Kevin says, “But you havne’t eaten it and it’s been in there.” (more than 48 hours)

Moi, “And in three weeks when I go looking for it, it better still be there or heads will roll and blood will flow.”

KEvin, “Why?”

Elvis rolls his eyes because he alreayd knows the answer.

Moi, “Because when the PMS hits I want to come out here, pull my Twix from the fridge nad enjoy it.”

Kevin, “What’s PMS?”

Sweet baby Jesus kid….Moi, “It’s right before I have my period when I get real cranky and bitchy.”

Kevin, “Ewwwwwwwww! You had a period?”
As if I’d only ever had ONE in my life (i wish).

Elvis laughs, “Don’t be stupid….See I’m smart. I KNOW when mom’s all cranky and stuff so I stay on her good side.” (unlike you is totally implied here)

Kevin, “Mom…I hate to tell you this but you’re always bitchy.”

Mutual torment and harasment amongst the boy-children commences, forcing me to yell a couple times. Kevin cries. Elvis walks to Walgreens for a finger splint –due to a previous injury.

FFWD to bedtime….

Elvis comes in my room laughing. “Ham got punked.”

Moi, “Huh?”

“I think Ham got punked by Kara…I think she farted on him.”

Moi laughing, “OMG does he smell like shit?” (did I just say that in front of my kid?)

“Yeah and it’s really bad!” Elvis goes running down the hall, “Hey Kevin, your cat got punked by my dog.”

And that’s a fairly normal night. I wonder how many more grey hairs I’ll sprout before summer vacation is over?

TO: Boy Children
FROM: Mgmt.

MEMO:
I don’t care if the sun is shining. I don’t care what the projected high is. If it SNOWED the previous night and if, when I wake up, it is 37 degrees YOU ARE WEARING PANTS TO SCHOOL. Do not bother arguing. This is non-negotiable.

I’m blogging about Haters over at NAS Today.

Did anyone watch the season finale of Terminator?? OMG *sigh* When Derek (Played by BAG) took John to the park I nearly bawled! WOW! And yes, I did the math! In 2007 John’s dad is only FOUR!

Before I get to my recap I have to send out a personal, heart-felt message to Paula: PLEASE STAY OUT OF MY GRANDMOTHER’S CLOSET! She’s very old and senile and it’s just not nice to steal from old women, k?

Now that we have that out of the way…..

Carly with “Crazy” by Heart. I’m a big Heart fan but I don’t LURVE them. That said, this was a good solid rendition and Carly was in FINE form, but I’m not as sold on her as Simon seems to be.

Syesha with um “Me and Mr. Jones”–Loved your scarf sugar, and you looked super classy. You are so CUTE–Ooooooo sorry I was channeling Paula. Anyway it was good and very smooth. I hart you.

Brooke White–Ooooooooo Carly Simon (or was it Joanie Mitchell?). About 2/3 the way through her performance I DID wonder if she was singing to Mr. Happy but I think it was a good song choice and a solid performance with strong vocals. I really like her. I do however, wish she’d cut off that extra piece of hair that flops in Ramiele’s eyes. It makes me itch to grab my scissors!!!

Ramiele with some song I apparently hated (according to my notes). I also hated her outfit (according to my notes). I thought her vocals were okay but I didn’t 100% buy into what she was selling. I have to go with Randy here–she wasn’t keeping it real. My note says it was like a book with poor characterization.

Kristi Lee Cook–like Jaq I was NOT surprised to learn she was a tomboy–hello she SOLD a HORSE to get to the AI tryouts). She’s cute as a bug and has potential but she never quite took control of the song. The chorus sucked, it was weak and pitchy and it seemed as if instead of getting bigger, the chorus got weaker and slowed down.

Amanda Overmyer–goodbye my rocker chick friend. I”m sorry I love you. I think you’re fabulous but DAYUM WTF were you thinking? You BUTCHERED KANSAS!!!! One of my fave songs evah! OMG WTF just WTF Sadly I think that one’s going to get you voted off the island.

*Paula…dancing? again just WTF?

Alaina W–doesn’t like her food to touch. I have a note here: My son does the same thing. Matter of fact we were talking at the end of the show and Elvis had this to say about Alaina and her food issues: SOmetimes I don’t like my food to touch either. Corn and mashed potatoes are okay because it all mixes well. With Bacon and Pancakes and Syrup food touching is a no no. HOWEVER, with sausage, pancakes and syrup it’s OH YEAH! When asked why he said, “Because the bacon is crispy.”

Where was I? Oh yeah…Alaina honey you were shreiky on the high notes.And I agree w/SImon on the pagenty thing.

Alexandrea–Beautiful vocals but I HATE that song. I have to agree w/Jaq on this one–elevator bigtime but then I’ve NEVER been a big Chicago fan. She could have sung that “Saturday in the Park” Song for all I cared. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Kady–the softer notes were flat and weak and you were stiff. Maybe you should have snuck a sip from Paula’s cup? Just saying. Anyway I’m sorry but Heart doesn’t Heart You Anymore. I”m sure you’ll understand because this was totally not a good song for you. I’m with Jaq–Simon you never heard that song before? WTF?

Asia’h–I sorta agree w/Simon here. It was a big song for her and she gets big points for “Degree of Difficulty”–she had a rough start but a real solid finish.

Who’s going home? Hmmmmmmm It’s a threeway for me –Kady, Amanda and/or Alaina.

Ohhhhhhh and next week guess what’s back? DIRT! I LOVE DIRT! It’s like Nip/Tuck used to be before someone started smoking crack while writing the manuscripts (the last couple episodes with the whole sibling love thing totally grossed me out. I really can’t believe you went there nad you’ve gone some really questionable places in the past). Life is good–Dirt is coming back, BSG is right around the corner (if htey’d quit moving it) and The Riches are coming. *sigh* Um yeah and I have a book due 10 weeks so I’ll be TIVO’ing a lot–promise to any of you lurking editors out there *g*

I did write one page and edit what I wrote this weekend.

WARNING: MOMMY RANT BELOW. SKIP IF YOU WANT…….

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